Charles Octavius Slayton's UrTOWN: Blood. Ha. Shoot.
Allegedly written in cuneiform and translated into English by the author, UrTOWN was actually written in an erratic gibberish which dissolved into indecipherable squiggles. Mr. Slayton was rather lazy in his translations, but he prefers to take the stance that he is thumbing his nose at those who cannot understand his version of "cuneiform." The following is from a notebook he
kept while he was outlining the first five parts of his twenty-five part novel.
PART ONE
Two children. One smaller than the other staring blankly ahead. Their hands web. Soon their hands are covered with green goo.
"I'd tear its heart out if it had a heart," sez one.
"Okay...tear iff its heads. Okay, now tear off its tail," sez the other.
Whole species were ripped apoart and smashed back together. Rome was founded in their laps. The pair was obsessed with
revolutions. They revelled in building
gladiator slave armies, vigilante groups, every renegade ground leading up to
the rabble rousers who left the rubble of Urbanvillburgopolis to found the city
of New Cincinatti in the new part of outer space which was subsequently
conquered by the fire breathing inside-out crustaceans who rule most of the
universe today. Right, left,
squish, poke, the present. They
were vicious. They paused only
twice. The taller of the two
muses.
"Can one inanimate object
love another inanimate object?" he was promptly sneered at and pummelled by his
shorter colleague. The second time
they stopped for good as they were swallowed whole by their anonymous grand
merz daddye Kurt S. Kurt S. raises
his pincer hands in victory, while his grand merz kiddied bang their heads
agains the wall of his stomach. His stomach murmurs:
"What's this?"
"A fork. The next time someone bothers you, you
scoop their eye out."
"Why not just carry a
knife?"
"it works, I tell
ya. This was papa's eye scoopin
for. He must have had six and one
half kids running around and he gave his eye scoopin' fork." (emphasis added.)
"One and one and one
and one and one and one and onehalf."
Kurt S. gave his belly
a good thwak with one of his pincer hands. Murmurs dissolve into whimpers and then into the occasional
sigh. A bell rings. It seems that...
PART TWO
Things fell apart. Then they were glued back together
again, given hot rod flame decals and hovercraft capabilities. Everything was set to a tango and
pushed off a cliff. In summary,
Kurt S. was given the key to the City of New Cincinatti. However he had an incredible stutter
during his acceptance speech, so bad he was imprisoned. While in prison, a pirate ship
sauntered by and emancipated (arrrr! Urrrr!) all the prisoners except Kurt
S. He stayed behind and turned the
prison into a world class gym. While spotting an eldery woman who was pumping five hundred pound
barbells, he coughed up his grand merz kiddies, forcing the woman to drop the
barbells on her head. He is sued
by the family. Before further
charges are incurred, he runs to the city of Ur. On the way there he is incinerated by a fire breathing
inside-out crustacean.
PART THREE
Urbanvillburgopolis,
city of. (Ur for short) - Three years earlier.
An epicenter. The place to be. Natural disasters of all sorts occurred
all the time and it effected nobody. And it affected them even less. At the center of it all, the anonymous Merz family. Everything was attributed, good and
bad, to them. They were great
poets who ate their young. Not only
did that eat their young butŠ
PART FOUR
A long time before that
last thing happened again.
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And several more paragraphs of rubble.